Self-Care

As the end of the day slowly creeps in on me, I am torn. Torn by the fear and panic of waking up to another challenging day. A day that will likely be filled with anxiety, sadness, uncertainty, and sometimes downright terror. For waking up to disease is never easy.

And then, there is the relief of letting go of the day's demons. The relief of allowing myself to fall into the calm, peaceful abyss and depths of my unconscious. A place where I can shut down my unquiet, busy monkey mind just for a little while, and quietly slip away into the peaceful realm of sleep where nothing matters. I have no responsibility there. No weight to bear. No judgment, criticism, disappointment, or guilt. Only rest and silent peace.

However, deep down inside, I know that I must find a way to carry that bliss into my waking hours. I must find a way out of being trapped in this agonizing divide. Caught between the light and the dark. But, where to start? Mercy? Sure, let’s start there. Can I find a little mercy for myself?

It is often hard to do with my perfectionist standards and my obsessive endeavors. Life can be incredibly hard and cruel at times. It can be devastating and terrifying. So, mercy seems deserved by all living beings. Yet, it is so hard to feel deserving. To see myself as only human. Only I can find a way forward. I am alone in that quest.

So, as night descends, I tell myself to fear not. It is impossible to know what the next day will bring, but I can choose to think positively. To believe in brighter days and star-filled nights. To remember this one life that I have to live is wondrous and miraculous. To ride the waves of good days and bad days, and never stop believing in miracles. And, to remember that all any of us have in life is this one, single moment. Make that moment magical, and all the rest will follow.